Do I choose to hurt or celebrate? Which would you choose?

we choose

My relationship with my mother is non-existent. She fled her role when I was in kindergarten and she has not been active in my life. As a teen I searched for her only to find out she was deep into drugs and homeless. Into my young adulthood as a single parent to a toddler I was drawn to try to have a relationship with my mother again. In a very short time I felt our roles were crisscrossed. I came to the conclusion this wasn’t healthy or going to be the relationship that I deserved or needed.

This has been a tough subject my whole life. She recently contacted me in hopes for a second chance. I couldn’t ignore or hide from the flood of emotions when I received a message from her. If I were to resort to old ways I’d find myself bobbing in a dark whirlpool of emotions…but with a sparkle in my eye I am ready to use all my tools to re-direct, expose, transform and make this right for myself. Feeling like a Super Hero I use my yoga to take care of myself.

In the safety of my own home I unroll my beloved yoga mat; always there for me through the blissful and the melancholy. I sit comfortably and just breath. A soft supportive breath, I am not trying to control it, I want it to wash through me. I soften and allow a life time of anger, sadness, disappointment and abandonment to be felt. It feels intensely uncomfortable but my trusty companion of dirgha breathing (three-part breathing: fill belly, heart & throat; “full” yogic breath) gives me sustenance to handle the deeply hidden emotions blasting me like electrical shocks inside. I trust my breath to take care of me and wash me to the shore of freedom.

I am conscious of the thoughts that arise but I don’t get pulled into what could be a great drama…instead I allow my body to become even more sensitive as I AUM out loud and feel the vibrations inviting me to move. I breathe into a standing forward fold, I need to get grounded for this work. I root into my feet like a redwood and accept the support of mother earth. With soft steady breath I step into a lunge and tinker with the alignment focusing on my frame-work. I use my breath to ride each wave of surging emotions that rise and fall. I want to withdrawal but I know I’m safe; so I soften, stay in the pose, let go of what I’ve held onto and be with sensations.

I repeat this a few times and add in some downward facing dogs, warrior 1, warrior 2, extended warrior, triangle, planks, cobra, 3 legged downward facing dog, sivasana, ending with IMeditateWithErich In & Out meditation*. Staying in each pose for about 5 sweet breaths. Solid, strong, soft, and raw from emotions like never before I see the shore of freedom and I breathe and feel over and over again.

My eyes are wide open to a kaleidoscope of potential that is available with each breath. I am transforming from an abused-abandoned child, victim-self loathing young women, into a women that wants to experience personal evolution watching the ripples I make with daily superior performance and riding atop tidal waves of outrageous peace, love, and success.

I am super soft and consciously letting my body be the sky, my thoughts and emotions the clouds and I observe.

I don’t want to – hold onto the past, linger with memories that hurt, dwell on questions that won’t be answered. Instead I choose to be loving to myself and celebrate my life that I have created and this awesome body that has been my friend.

Truth be told the practice of yoga has given me life. Witness consciousness and feeling would not be apart of my life if it weren’t for yoga. It has been the doorway for my spiritual growth and so much more.

When my practice is done I feel lighter, still a little sad but mostly proud and content. I’m resting and basking on the beach of freedom and today I choose to celebrate!

IMeditateWithErich In & Out meditation*
1. Sit comfortably
2. Observe your natural breath
3. When you feel settled focus on nothing
4. Inhale repeat mentally “IN”
5. Exhale repeat mentally “OUT”
6. Repeat a few times and feel the calm connection that will enhance your day
7. See the sparkle in your eye reminding you of your OUTRAGEOUS SUCCESS!

I choose to CELEBRATE!



Comments

2 comments

1 melissaAnne { 11.04.10 at 10:16 pm }

Beautiful! You, your words, your soul!!

2 YogaLove { 11.05.10 at 10:58 am }

Beautiful, as always. And that pic of you and the girls is perfect. You are one amazing lady, lady. Love, t